For a very long time, since I was young, my mother was very critical of me. What I wore, what my weight was, what I did, my friends–everything. When I got older I started to resent her. I would look to other older women to fill the void. All I wanted was for her to love me for who I was. She would get so mad when I would rather be with Dani, an older lady that had become my friend at church, or a couple teachers that were completely there for me. I couldn’t help it. They filled that void. When she wanted to be there it was to late, because all I knew was to turn to these women and not my own mother. Time and time again she would let me down. I was shut down from her. I didn’t and wouldn’t let her in because each time it did it was like I died a little each time she let me down. When my grandfather died, I was nine. How was I supposed to understand something like that. I needed my mother. It was her father so she wasn’t there for me. I leaned on my grandmother (my dad’s mom), she was there for me that day. So when my great-grandmother died, I again leaned on my grandmother because I didn’t think that my mother could be there for me. Again and again and again. The final time was when I thought that death was right for me. I overdosed and she came home, picked me up and dropped me off at the hospital and as soon as she knew I was going to live she went back to work. That hurt me and that was it. Or so I thought. Even though she’d continue to hurt me, I think it was her way of covering her hurt. When I went to college. Thinking I was ready to be on my own, she left within an hour of dropping me off, instead of staying. I ended up failing out and having to live with my dad. But I wasn’t wanted there. So mom took me back. She did have a habit of keeping her home open for me. Even if her heart seemed closed off from me, at least she kept her home open. Within the last 3 years, she’s hurt me again twice. But our relationship has gotten better. We are both stubborn in different ways but now that I am getting older I find myself leaning on my mom a lot more. I am more cautious with my heart, but I do find myself calling her when I need to talk. Whether it’s about the kids or Caleb or whats going on in my life or whats going on in hers. There are things she does that hurts me, but I can’t change her. She’s not going to be able to change me and I think we’re reached some sort of understanding. Maybe it’s our physical distance between us. Maybe I’ve matured. But in the end, the things in my past have to remain in my past for me to continue growing and to continue growing in our relationship. I’m ready to put the past behind me. I’m ready to move on. These aren’t things I can forget but it’s something I’d like to put behind me. I want to be a better, more postive person and the only way to do that is to move on.
Being worthy February 15, 2009
“Worthiness, in very simple terms, means I have found a way to let the Energy reach me, the Energy that is natural, reach me. Worthiness, or unworthiness, is something that is pronounced upon you by you. You are the only one that can deem yourself worthy or unworthy. You are the only one who can love yourself into a state of allowing, or hate yourself in a state of disallowing. There is not something wrong with you, nor is there something wrong with one who is not loving you. You are all just, in the moment, practicing the art of not allowing, or the art of resisting.”
For so long, so long I felt that I was not worthy of anything. Love, compassion, friendship.. anything. It’s a crazy thing. Finally after all these years I am allowing myself to feel worthy for all of that. I am worthy of being loved. I am worthy.
Let’s take a moment February 14, 2009
and check out some of my friends blogs! They are funny, interesting and intelligent. So check them out!
http://www.theinsidelife.com/2009/02/up-in-flames/
BunnyGlitter – because we’re fabulous. Blog Archive Princess Bubble
Top Ten Indulgences Under Ten Dollars Luscious Decadence
Total Embarassment Melia Lore: Fembot Extraordinaire.
Fashion, evolved.: Vive la Vivo Barefoot Revolution!
http://bellacola.blogspot.com/2009/0…hese-days.html
From a Window on the Rez: an uncommon occurence
The Q Speaks. The Internets Listen.: Ten Things – 2/13/09
Moving, Shaking, and Breaking It Down…: Money Money Money… must be funny, In a rich mans world
So trying to get my life in order. February 12, 2009
I am 25 years old. Will be turning 26 in a month+ and I think it’s time to start growing up into the adult that my kids can look up to and don’t mind being around. There is a plethora (I love that word) of things I need to work on.
Having a more positive attitude. - this is to true for me. I’ve always had a mediocre or depressing attitude. I want my kids to grow up having a great self-esteem and great out-look on life. The only way to help them and NOT feel like a hyprocite (snort) is to change my attitude.
Getting my body into good shape. - I’m not talking about model, stickly thin. I just want to be able to run and play with my kids. I don’t want them to think well if mommy’s not moving around, well neither do I and the perpetual cycle begins again. I want to be healthy for me too. I am tired all the time and it’s awful. TIME TO GET MOVIN’
Taking better care of my mind. – meditating, taking time for me. Because when I’m not burnt out I am a better mom. I feel good and I wanna be where I am.
I also want to stop relying on other people as much as I do. I have to be happy with myself and make my own decisions about thing. I have to stop looking to people for approval and praise.
It’s going to take awhile and thats something I have to accept. I can’t change overnight as much as I want too. This life style is 15 some years in the making.
Patience is key.
Patience Patience Patience
I can do this.
Lovin’ my kiddos!Ariana February 8, 2009
Probably about 5 months ago, I found out my brother not only had one child but he has two. The other little girl, Ariana, is just over a year or so and is supposed to be living with her mother. All well and great until you selfishly get yourself involved with drugs and get caught. So now.. Ariana is being thrown around with different people as a part of the “now who takes Ariana” juggle. I found out yesterday that my brother wants no parts of her and Erika (my brothers fiance and mother to my neice Juliana) and that they (he) would like to give her up officially so that they don’t have to pay child support. My brother refers to the child as it. It is a baby for the love of God and it is YOUR baby. Man up and take responsibility of whats yours. I would understand if she were adopted by great parents the next day but no she will more than likely be bounced from one foster home to another til her mother can get out of jail and more than likely fuck up again (excuse my language). My dad is completely and utterly distraught over this. He says if his mind was clear and he had a steady job he would take her in a heartbeat because that is his flesh and blood. I feel for my dad I really do. I mean who could treat a child so bad. I understand people make mistakes but fuck dude, a baby is involved. It just saddens my heart.
I honestly wish someone would let me take her and I’d take custody of her. At least she’d be with family, not getting bounced from one place to the next with shoddy people lookin to make a buck and she would be loved and have her cousins to play with. Honestly, right now, what’s one more. The girls are going to school in the fall so that would just leave her and Vinnie with me. I’ll have my license by my birthday and hopefully a van soon.
I really don’t know but I do know that my brother is one selfish son of a bitch. But I am sure he knows that..
The Law of Attraction: February 7, 2009
I will get a van and soon. I don’t know how but I will have one. Preferably red and has a dvd player for the kids. Something that will keep us safe and can take us on family vacations. It will happen.
