Most women HATE to get older. Personally I can’t wait til I’m forty. Honestly. Seriously. That means all my kids have grown up (physically and hopefully mentally :lol) and they have graduated and are currently ready (hopefully) to move onto another chapter in their lives. I, hopefully, get to begin my life. Weird I know. But since I was younger I’ve had to grow up fast. Not that I want to revert back to childish ways. But taking care of just myself for awhile might be nice. It may seem selfish. But 15 years from now I’d like to be able to be a little selfish and think about me and my life for once. I’ve always wanted to be selfish, but I’ve always had to take care of someone other than myself my whole life. Whether it be my brother and watching and taking care of him while my mother indulged herself with school, which turned out to be a wise decision for her. Or moving back to help my dad financially. I’ve never really had the chance to do what I want to do. This maybe a dream, something that will never turn into reality, but dreams are really nice to have. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids. I would never ever want to trade them for anything. They are amazing. But I’ve honestly never felt more exhausted in my life than I do now. And yes, I’ve worked since I was able to get a job.
Which brings me to something else. I have to be honest. Hopefully this is just because I am sick and pms’ing all at the same time and the weather is a piece of shit right now. But I am miserable. I honestly thought moving would help everyone. The girls to have more space to play. Caleb to be closer to work and both of those things were supposed to help me out. Then why am I unhappy and am thinking this is the worst mistake EVER. For three days, since we moved in, I’ve been miserable. I have a chest cold, pms’in and one thing has hurt each day upon waking. The first day it was my head, the second day it was my shoulder and today it’s my neck. What the HELL is wrong with me. Why can’t I ever just be happy.
I am really looking forward to this weekend. A weekend to unwind, a weekend to relax, a weekend not having to worry about a freakin’ schedule. I don’t have to worry if someone is hungry, or needs to go to sleep. I need a break. I really, really do. I wouldn’t be surprised if Caleb’s family thinks I am NUTS for going. At least thats the vibe they give off when I talk about it. My dad is very supportive of me going and totally understands why.
I keep pointing out to Caleb on our way through Beaver that there’s a psychiatry office. :para
